The Big Bad Wolf was strolling through the woods one fine day, hungry and in search of a meal. As he strolled down the path, he spotted Little Red Riding Hood skipping along, a basket in one hand and a red umbrella matching her coat in the other. Since this was the only edible morsel he had seen all day, the wolf decided not to waste this opportunity.
Leaping out from behind a tree, the Big Bad Wolf sneered in a mocking tone, "Where are you off to, little girl?"
Red Riding Hood just smiled.
"Oh, I'm on my way to Grandma's house with some cookies!" replied Red Riding Hood, staring up at the wolf with bright eyes.
"Grandma's house, eh?" said the wolf. "Well, what if I told you I know a shortcut?" said the wolf, a clever idea hatching in his brain.
The Big Bad Wolf was very hungry and he figured Red Riding Hood would barely be an appetizer. However, if he ate her grandma first, he could always have Little Red Riding Hood for dessert.
"Really?" asked Red.
"Sure." replied the wolf with a sly grin. "If you take a left at the fork in the road ahead, you'll get to Grandma's house twice as fast."
Smiling innocently, Red said cheerfully, "Thanks, mister anthromorphic wolf! That's awfully kind of you!"
Red skipped off down the path, taking the left fork just as the wolf had said.
"Sucker." said the Big Bad Wolf with a slight chuckle. He knew that Grandma was the only person who lived in the woods and he knew that the path he had sent Little Red Riding Hood down would take twice as long. Big bad Wolf was also aware that guns were not allowed in Fairy Tale Land, so he didn't have to worry about getting shot.
The Big bad Wolf thought he was being smart, but Red Riding Hood had been to Grandma's house hundreds of times and she knew exactly what he was up to. She didn't worry though. The wolf didn't know Grandma the way she did.
"Stupid wolf. Boy is he gonna get it!" Red snickered as she continued on her happy way.
The Big Bad Wolf arrived at Grandma's house, a quaint little cottage situated in a peaceful woodland glade. Parked in front of the house was a Harley-Davidson motor cycle that seemed to spoil the otherwise rustic scene. The fact that Grandma rode a motor cycle should have sent up red flags and warned the wolf of what kind of person he was messing with, but sadly, the Big Bad Wolf was stupid. Strolling nonchalantly up to the front door, the wolf knocked three times.
"Who is it?" came a sweet old lady voice from inside the door.
"Hello, ma'am. I have a candy gram from a secret admirer." replied the wolf, doubting that his ploy would actually work. To his surprise, Grandma actually opened the door.
Grandma was wearing a pink dress and a cooking apron, and she had long white hair that was drawn back into a bun on the back of her head.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. I do not allow solicitors on my property." said the elderly woman in a sweet tone that sickened the Big Bad Wolf.
"Oh screw it! I'm here to eat you, woman!" he shouted, pulling a knife and fork out of seemingly nowhere and raising them above his head in an extremely corny and clichéd fashion, ready to attack.
Grandma frowned disapprovingly and promptly slammed the door in his face. The Big Bad Wolf heard the unmistakable sound of the deadbolt clicking and he knew he would have to find another way in. Quickly looking around, the Big Bad Wolf spotted a wood cutting axe imbedded in a stump. Seizing the axe, he wrenched up from the stump and ran back to the door.
"You're only delaying the inevitable, lady! Just make it easy on yourself and give up nicely!"
"Not on your life, sonny!" Grandma replied in a complete deadpan tone.
The wolf growled with anger and swung the axe into the door. He hacked at the wooded door again and again until the door finally splintered to pieces.
"Heeeeeeeeeeere's Wolfy!" shouted the Big Bad Wolf as he broke through the door with the axe in his hand, laughing shamelessly to himself over the dated and clichéd reference to Stephen King's "The Shining".
As the wolf entered the cottage, Grandma simply turned and walked casually from the room. The wolf gave chase, following her into the living room where, to his surprise, he found Grandma standing in the center of the room holding a Louisville Slugger. The Big Bad Wolf dashed toward the elderly woman with a feral scream, swinging the awe at her neck. Grandma ducked and with a low, upward swing of the baseball bat, struck the wolf between the back legs so hard that it actually cracked the bat. The wolf involuntarily let out a high-pitched yelp of pure agony and dropped the axe, clasping his front paws over his shattered nether region as Grandma raised the cracked baseball bat over her head. With a hard downward swing, Grandma brought the Louisville Slugger down onto the wolf's head and knocked him to the ground, shattering the bat in the process. Grandma then tossed the broken baseball bat aside and ran to the door that led downstairs to the basement, slamming it and locking it behind her.
The Big Bad Wolf lay on the ground, moaning and whimpering in unbearable agony for several minutes until he finally regained his composure. At this point, anyone with an iota of common sense would have cut their losses and run, but as mentioned before, the Big Bad Wolf was stupid. Picking up his axe, the wolf limped over to the basement door.
"Alright, you old hag! Just for that, I'm going to make you suffer for twice as much now!" the wolf shouted.
"You don't want to do this, Mister Wolf!" replied Grandma with a timid, shaky old lady voice from the other side of the door.
"Nobody pisses off the Big Bad Wolf and lives to tell about it, bitch! I'm coming down there after you!"
The wolf began to hack away at the door and Grandma spoke again. "No really, Mr. Wolf. You really, really don't want to come through that door!"
"Oh, what are you gonna do, hit me with another baseball bat? Bring it on, bitch! I'm ready for you this time!" the Big Bad Wolf shouted back, taking another swing at the door. "After I eat you, I'm gonna have your pretty little granddaughter for dessert!"
"Now THAT was a mistake!" replied Grandma in a voice that indicated that she was suddenly very pissed off.
"Here I come!" taunted the wolf as he swung the axe once more, splintering the basement door.
The Big Bad Wolf was about to charge headlong down the stairs but what he saw next stopped him dead in his tracks. There, positioned at the base of the stairs, was a WWII era howitzer gun, the barrel of which was so long that it almost reached to the top of the stairs and was only a few feet from the wolf's face. Standing behind the massive artillery piece was Grandma, wearing an old WWII army helmet with a stern, pissed-off expression on her old wrinkled face as she shoved a 155mm artillery shell into the back of the cannon and slammed the hatch.
"Nobody threatens my granddaughter, you son of a bitch!" snapped the elderly woman as she grasped the string that controlled the firing mechanism.
"Who the hell keeps a howitzer cannon In their basement?" the Big Bad Wolf shouted in complete, total disbelief. "Where did you even get a thing like that? How did you even get that thing down there anyway?"
Grandma smiled and said in her sweet, innocent old lady voice, "Goodbye, Mr. Wolf!"
With that, the old lady gave the string a good, hard tug and the wolf let out a high-pitched, girly scream.
Little Red Riding Hood had just arrived at Grandma's house. Noticing that the front door was missing, she cautiously approached the house. She figured that Grandma had no trouble dealing with the wolf. Suddenly, a deep, rich, thunderous boom shook the entire forest. Blood, guts, and who-knows-what else splattered against every window in the house and an explosion tore through the roof, scattering what was left of the Big Bad Wolf for miles around. Red Riding Hood opened her umbrella and held it over her head as charred pieces of wolf began raining down around her.
"Shouldn't have messed with Grandma." She muttered as she began to walk toward the cottage.
Moments later, Grandma emerged from the house, covered in black soot and fanning smoke away from herself with one hand and holding the spent artillery casing in the other.
"Oh, hello dear." Grandma said to Red as she opened up a trash can on the front porch and tossed the artillery casing inside.
"Hi Grandma! I brought you cookies!" replied Red with a cheerful smile as if this were a normal occurrence at Grandma's house.
"How lovely!" Grandma said cheerfully. "Now, would you please be a dear and help me tidy up a bit? If you clean up the wolf guts, I'll rebuild the roof. Then we can share those cookies!"
"Alright. " Red Riding Hood said with a smile, picking up a broom and a dustpan.
Guns and other modern technology might not have been allowed in Fairy Tale Land, but no one ever had the courage to tell Grandma that.
"And that's why wolves should never mess with humans." said a daddy wolf to his son as he closed up a copy of "Little Red Riding Hood".
"But daddy, that story makes no sense!" protested the young wolf pup. "Wouldn't the explosion have blown the house off its foundation? Or wouldn't it have at least shattered the windows?"
"Just go to sleep and don't ask silly questions, son!" replied the daddy wolf. "Otherwise Grandma will come and find you. She loves stealing wolf pups that stay up past their bed time and shooting them out of that howitzer cannon."
The wolf pup whimpered and ducked under the covers, not wanting to end up like the Big Bad Wolf.
"Now that's a good boy." said the daddy wolf. "Tomorrow I'll tell you a bedtime story about a man named Tomahawk Ben, and why you never want to make him angry."
"Ok, daddy. Just don't tell me the story about the sparkling, vegan vampire again." said the wolf pup, closing his eyes and attempting to go to sleep.